Skip to content

This is how you can go about naming a baby

Last week a woman who gave birth on a plane owned by the Australian airline Jetstar named her baby after the airline. Baby Jetstar is doing fine.
The News. Chews it.

PAWTERNITY LEAVE: We start our news chewing tour of the world with a true story from the UK. Some British companies now give employees paid  time off when they bring home a new pet. There’s a sliding scale: If you have a new puppy, you take a week off while the doggie settles in. Bring a new cat home - you take two days off. Bring a new goldfish home - you go to work five minutes late.

WATER WHOA! Some Canadian politicians want to ban imported bottled water. We have most of the world’s fresh water, and yet we import bottled water from overseas.  I was in the Grande Prairie mall foodcourt recently and I saw one place selling bottled water from - I kid you not - the Pacific island of Fiji. That’s crazy! How many people in Fiji do you think are eating Canadian poutine?

WONDER WATER: Also on the subject of water, scientists at Vancouver’s Simon Fraser University have invented a machine that extracts water from the air. They hope it will help poor countries where water is scarce. Meanwhile, I hear Revenue Canada is working on a way to extract blood from a turnip.  

MEDITATION MEMO: A new study shows meditation can add seven years to your life. That’s pretty good. Although daydreaming adds four years. Just staring into space adds two years.

NAME GAME: Last week a woman who gave birth on a plane owned by the Australian airline Jetstar named her baby after the airline. Baby Jetstar is doing fine. By the way: Can you guess why my middle name is Greyhound?

STAR BORES: Wednesday, May 4th was celebrated around the world as Star Wars Day. (May the Fourth Be With You) A mischievous scientist calculated to build an actual Death Star like the one in “Star Wars” would cost $64,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. Ten bucks extra if you want a hook on the back of the door so Darth Vader can hang up his helmet.

CENSUS SENSELESS: Canadians received census forms. Actually, it’s not a paper form. They want you to go online and spend 17 hours clicking on the answers to their dumb questions. By the way: “Census” is an ancient Latin word that translates into English as -- “We Are Going To Stick Our Nose In Your Business”  

SWIFT STORY: Fans of Taylor Swift were thrilled to hear she will appear in the new “X Men: Apocalypse” movie. Taylor plays a mutant singer who’s learned the secret of how to turn sound into light. Taylor already knows the secret of how to turn sound into cash.

STAMPEDE SNACKS: Will rodeo fans snack on bugs? The Calgary Stampede is famous for bizarre foods. This year’s menu will include Sticky Toffee Bug Balls. (That’s bugs - as in INSECTS) In July you’ll nibble on deep-fried dough balls drizzled with toffee sauce and topped with worms and crickets. Eating bugs doesn’t worry me. I swallowed plenty on the highway, back in the days when I rode a motorcycle.  

CARTOON CATASTROPHE: Next, a very strange story from Egypt. A leading Egyptian politician made a speech blaming violence in the Middle East on Tom & Jerry cartoons. This guy will totally freak out when he realizes the coyote is never, EVER going to catch the Roadrunner.

ROCK REPORT: In California, it was announced there will be a combined rock concert featuring the Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, Bob Dylan and Neil Young. Tickets go on sale this week, priced as high as $1,600. That works out at one dollar per wrinkle.

MOBILE MAYHEM: In a new survey: 50 percent of teens say they are addicted to their mobile devices. When I was a teenager I had a mobile device. It was called a “bike”.

GARLIC GIGGLE: There was big news for fast food lovers. McDonald’s will soon offer garlic fries. Garlic can make people “gassy”. McDonald’s may have to re-name the Hamburglar the Ham-burper.

KITTY CAT: We started with pets, let’s end with pets. Last week a company introduced a collar that gives your cat a human voice. It translates your cat’s meows into  ords. All I can say is - it better sound like Garfield - or my entire childhood memories are ruined.