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Pick up the B.O. detecting phone

Guy drove 700 kilometres to the nearest KFC in High Level Alberta to bring his wife fried chicken. It works out at 14 fingers licked for every kilometre.
Chews the News!

HOUND HUGGER: It’s time again to chew on our weekly diet of random news bites. Some are hard to swallow—others are hard to digest.

According to a dog psychologist at the University of British Columbia: Dogs do not enjoy being hugged. It makes them feel stressed. OK, maybe it was wrong of me, but I felt I had to hug my dog right after I told him he’s adopted.

----Just to be clear: The expert is a dog PSYCHOLOGIST, not a dog PSYCHIATRIST. When a dog visits a psychiatrist, it’s hard for the patient to relax. Because dogs are not allowed on the couch.

 

EXERCISE? SCHMEXCERCSE! In a medical study by McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario: One minute of hard exercise is just as good as a 45-minute moderate workout. Also: One minute of reading totally ridiculous medical studies is just as good as 45 minutes reading moderately ridiculous medical studies.

CAFFEINE CONQUEST: Next stop is Taylor, BC. The oil business is slumping, but there will always be a demand for that other important liquid: Coffee. Driving through Taylor maybe you’ve stopped at the Caffeination Station, a small roadside coffee stand. It’s so popular, last week they announced a second outlet for caffeine-deprived drivers on the Alaska Highway. Selling coffee can’t be too hard. Coffee is what separates humans from the animals. It’s a well known fact coffee was created to give you enough energy to drink another cup of coffee. And another cup.

 

17 OR 29?  In Windsor, Ontario: A high school basketball star was arrested after it was revealed he’s a 29 year old man who posed as a 17 year old. He claims he didn’t know he’s 29. Hey, give him a break. I was going bald at age 15. These things can be confusing. 

 

MEAT MEMO: In Texas, a man stole a large number of steaks and made a getaway. During a high speed chase he tossed dozens of steaks from his car window. They were run over by a police car and other vehicles. What do you bet the guy’s lawyer will claim his client was only trying to tenderize the meat? 

 

INSTEAD OF DEAD: A Philadelphia biotech company is developing a device they claim will bring brain dead people back to life. (In other news: The only certain thing is taxes) The time may come when you’re walking through Wal-Mart and you see a gizmo with a label: Manufactured by Frankenstein Laboratories.

 

B.O. BULLETIN: Featured on TV last week: A body odor detecting app for your cell phone. Here’s how it works: You place your cell phone in your armpit - if the screen cracks - you have B.O.

 

PLANTS: A study shows people who live around house plants live longer. But if you’re a guy whose wife goes on a trip and when she arrives home she sees you forgot to water her plants - she will make you wish you were as dead as those plants.

 

LIVESTOCK LOSS: In Cape Breton, Nova Scotia: A nursing home has been ordered to stop visits by livestock. A local farmer takes farm animals to visit with old folks. The residents say they’ll miss the sheep and cows. Gee, that’s too baaaaaaa-d. This puts them in a bad moooooo-d.    

 

KFC, EH?  After the only KFC restaurant in Yellowknife closed down, an intrepid guy drove 700 kilometers to the nearest KFC in High Level Alberta to bring his wife fried chicken. That’s a round trip of 1400 kilometers for a bucket of KFC. It works out at 14 fingers licked for every kilometer.

 

BIKE BULLETIN: In a report by the CBC, there’s a scandal in the world of professional bicycle racing. Secret electric motors have been found hidden inside bikes. A racing cyclist with an electric motor? That’s like a synchronized swimmer with scuba gear!

 

CAPTAIN CASH: Here’s useful information for wanna-be superheroes: A scientist has calculated how much it costs to be Captain America. The price of the weapons, shield, costume, all the stuff you need to transform into Captain America: 55-million, 114-thousand, 220 dollars. Being Batman is cheaper. Especially if you buy a used Batpole. (The cost of being Superman fluctuates - depending on if there’s currently a downturn in the Kryptonite industry)

 

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