HOUND HUGGER: It’s time again to chew on our weekly diet of random news bites. Some are hard to swallow—others are hard to digest.
According to a dog psychologist at the University of British Columbia: Dogs do not enjoy being hugged. It makes them feel stressed. OK, maybe it was wrong of me, but I felt I had to hug my dog right after I told him he’s adopted.
----Just to be clear: The expert is a dog PSYCHOLOGIST, not a dog PSYCHIATRIST. When a dog visits a psychiatrist, it’s hard for the patient to relax. Because dogs are not allowed on the couch.
EXERCISE? SCHMEXCERCSE! In a medical study by McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario: One minute of hard exercise is just as good as a 45-minute moderate workout. Also: One minute of reading totally ridiculous medical studies is just as good as 45 minutes reading moderately ridiculous medical studies.
CAFFEINE CONQUEST: Next stop is Taylor, BC. The oil business is slumping, but there will always be a demand for that other important liquid: Coffee. Driving through Taylor maybe you’ve stopped at the Caffeination Station, a small roadside coffee stand. It’s so popular, last week they announced a second outlet for caffeine-deprived drivers on the Alaska Highway. Selling coffee can’t be too hard. Coffee is what separates humans from the animals. It’s a well known fact coffee was created to give you enough energy to drink another cup of coffee. And another cup.
17 OR 29? In Windsor, Ontario: A high school basketball star was arrested after it was revealed he’s a 29 year old man who posed as a 17 year old. He claims he didn’t know he’s 29. Hey, give him a break. I was going bald at age 15. These things can be confusing.
MEAT MEMO: In Texas, a man stole a large number of steaks and made a getaway. During a high speed chase he tossed dozens of steaks from his car window. They were run over by a police car and other vehicles. What do you bet the guy’s lawyer will claim his client was only trying to tenderize the meat?
INSTEAD OF DEAD: A Philadelphia biotech company is developing a device they claim will bring brain dead people back to life. (In other news: The only certain thing is taxes) The time may come when you’re walking through Wal-Mart and you see a gizmo with a label: Manufactured by Frankenstein Laboratories.
B.O. BULLETIN: Featured on TV last week: A body odor detecting app for your cell phone. Here’s how it works: You place your cell phone in your armpit - if the screen cracks - you have B.O.
PLANTS: A study shows people who live around house plants live longer. But if you’re a guy whose wife goes on a trip and when she arrives home she sees you forgot to water her plants - she will make you wish you were as dead as those plants.
LIVESTOCK LOSS: In Cape Breton, Nova Scotia: A nursing home has been ordered to stop visits by livestock. A local farmer takes farm animals to visit with old folks. The residents say they’ll miss the sheep and cows. Gee, that’s too baaaaaaa-d. This puts them in a bad moooooo-d.
KFC, EH? After the only KFC restaurant in Yellowknife closed down, an intrepid guy drove 700 kilometers to the nearest KFC in High Level Alberta to bring his wife fried chicken. That’s a round trip of 1400 kilometers for a bucket of KFC. It works out at 14 fingers licked for every kilometer.
BIKE BULLETIN: In a report by the CBC, there’s a scandal in the world of professional bicycle racing. Secret electric motors have been found hidden inside bikes. A racing cyclist with an electric motor? That’s like a synchronized swimmer with scuba gear!
CAPTAIN CASH: Here’s useful information for wanna-be superheroes: A scientist has calculated how much it costs to be Captain America. The price of the weapons, shield, costume, all the stuff you need to transform into Captain America: 55-million, 114-thousand, 220 dollars. Being Batman is cheaper. Especially if you buy a used Batpole. (The cost of being Superman fluctuates - depending on if there’s currently a downturn in the Kryptonite industry)