The Peace was all shook up - cue the Elvis pic

QUAKE SHAKE: A 4.5 earthquake centered near Fort St John happened Thursday evening. No reports of serious damage. Many residents did not realize it was a quake. They thought it was just another example of our region getting the jitters. Thank goodness the shaker happened in the evening when all the dentists offices were closed. Imagine being in the dental chair, midway through a highly delicate root canal, when the building starts shaking.

EMERGENCY! Coincidentally, the quake happened just one week after the Canadian government tested its emergency alert system. A warning message was sent to cell phones across the nation. I didn’t get it. Maybe because my cell phone is too old. My phone is so old, I receive text messages in Morse Code. I’m assuming the emergency alert was something along the lines: “This is a test of the emergency alert system. Repeat, this is only a test. If this was a real emergency, you would be given instructions on how to kiss your butt goodbye”.

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MARS MEMO: Last week NASA made headlines by landing a small vehicle on the planet Mars. This just in: The wheels have already been stolen.

TOILET TROUBLE: More big news from NASA. The toilets onboard the International Space Station have “infectious organisms”. They wouldn’t have a space toilet problem if they’d gone with my suggestion: The International Space Outhouse.

SUE! A lawyers group announced the most ridiculous lawsuit of 2018. A man sued McDonalds because he felt depressed after he ate a Happy Meal. In the #2 position: The man who sued Rice Krispies. Instead of “Snap! Crackle! Pop!”, he heard “Slurp! Clonk! Plonk!”

TM LOL: In Texas: A bank shut down an ATM after it pushed out $100 bills instead of $20s. This story reminds me of the time a friend of mine joked his wife spends so much money, the Lakeview Credit Union in Dawson Creek had to shut down an ATM after she wore it out. ROYAL REPORT: London newspapers reported there’s one word Queen Elizabeth refuses to say. She has also banned everyone in her family from saying the word. She believes the word is vulgar. That word is “pregnant”. My spies in Buckingham Palace tell me Her Majesty prefers the term “bun in the oven”.

BABY BULLETIN: Chinese scientists announced they have created the world’s first gene-edited babies. It’s just a matter of time until we have babies with a fully-automatic, easy-to-operate dirty diaper disposal dumper.

ICE NOT NICE: Last week the Peace Country experienced freezing rain, everything was super slippery. I remember icy winters when I was a kid. Mom always said “Be careful on the ice. If you break your leg, don’t come running to me”.

WEATHER WOES: A report says weather forecasters suffer stress and feelings of guilt when their forecasts turn out wrong. One TV weather guy was so depressed, he tried to drown himself by sticking his head in his rain gauge.

SOCCER STUFF: It was announced the World Cup of soccer may be held every two years instead of four. Soccer players like this idea. They have a repertoire of new and exciting injuries they want to fake.

STRONGER THAN A LOCOMOTIVE: To celebrate its 40th anniversary, the original “Superman” movie will be in some theaters for a couple of days. Being Clark Kent must be tough. You would be outed as Superman the first time you accidentally pulled on a door marked “PUSH”.

SCIENCE NEWS: Harvard scientists announced they may have a cure for global warming. They say we can protect Earth from the sun by placing reflectors in orbit. Gee, that will be expensive. How about every bald man on Earth removes his hat (or toupee) and they use their heads to reflect the sun’s rays back into space?

FUN AND GAMES: Last week was Game and Puzzle Week. I am going to make big money with a puzzle I invented. It’s the perfect gift for people who can’t handle a challenge: A Rubik’s cube with squares that are all the same colour.

chewsthenews@fastmail.com

© Copyright 2018 Dawson Creek Mirror News

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