The Cockroaches, Titanic, Asteroids, Fred Flintstone

DINING DETAIL: It’s time to take our weekly wander through the world of weirdness and chew on some news items, being very careful not to swallow. In New York City, an environmentally-friendly restaurant made headlines by offering a 10 percent discount if you bring your own plate and take it home dirty. You get a bigger discount if you grab dirty plates from diners at the next table and you lick them clean.

SKYDIVE ALIVE: In Quebec last week there was a skydiving miracle. A woman skydiver jumped out of a plane one mile high in the sky.  Her main parachute failed to open, and her backup parachute also failed. She plummeted downwards faster than Justin Trudeau’s popularity rating. She landed in a wooded area and survived after she hit a tree. She will have a very interesting tale to tell. And so will the bird that was nesting in the tree. Oh, and by the way: If you skydive in Quebec, when you jump out of the plane, by law you must yell “Geronimo!” in French.

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ROACH REPORT: Scientists in Toronto say cockroaches are developing resistance to insecticides. They say cockroaches are becoming invincible and will multiply at a rapid rate. If Hollywood does not turn this into a horror movie, they are just not paying attention.

GWYNETH GAG: In a magazine interview actress Gwyneth Paltrow kind of claimed she invented yoga. That’s like ZZ Top claiming they invented beards. Gwyneth often says weird stuff. Like when she recommended bee stings as a beauty treatment. It’s just a matter of time until she recommends rhinoceros saliva as a shampoo.

SHIPS HAPPEN: In the UK, the shipbuilding company that made the Titanic has gone into bankruptcy. That’s sad. The company could have had a bright future. Global warming is getting rid of all the icebergs.

I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM: The Oscar Mayer company is now selling ice cream with bits of real hot dog. It’s just a matter of time until Dairy Queen has Dilly Bars with bacon-flavored dilly.

ZOOS NOOZ: Last week was Zookeeper Week. Kids who grow up watching a lot of movies are surprised when they visit a zoo for the first time and discover the animals don’t talk.

ASTEROID DISASTEROID: NASA announced it will start working on a way to prevent a rogue asteroid from destroying our planet. Here’s a scary thought: If the Earth is flat, an asteroid could hit the Earth and cause it to tilt. We will all slide off the edge.

FLINTSTONE FACT: A TV network announced an updated version of “The Flintstones” will be on television next year. I remember Fred Flintstone. He powered his car with his bare feet. He had all season radial bunions.  And the reason he had a foot-powered car? Back then dinosaurs were not extinct yet -- so there were no fossil fuels.

HOUSEPLANT HA HA: A new study shows houseplants can help create a calm atmosphere in your home. OK, maybe they do. But here’s my question: Is it cruel to eat salad in front of houseplants? 

DANCE DETAIL: The International Olympic Committee announced it is considering breakdancing for the 2024 Games. Events for the 2020 games have been finalized. I’m kind of surprised next year’s Olympics will not include Competitive Texting.

TECH TSK TSK: On CBC a psychologist said young children have brains that are wired to figure out complex technology.  I guess that’s why the average 4-year old can operate an iPhone but he can’t tie his shoes.

JOKE POKE: Friday was World Tell a Joke Day. We live in politically correct times. There are many things we can’t joke about. I’ve lost track. By now it may be politically incorrect to talk about how there are things that are politically incorrect.

STRESS MESS: In an online survey, 70 percent of Canadian employees said their job is stressful. My job is very stressful. And very scary. The scariest part of writing this column is knowing literally anybody can operate a newspaper. There are people reading this who didn’t take a reality class, or a test, or anything. 

chewsthenews@fastmail.com

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