CHEESE CHUCKLE: We start this week’s news chewing session in Egypt. Archaeologists opened a tomb and found the world’s oldest cheese. It’s more than 3,000 years old. The ancient Egyptian cheese smells worse than a Pharaoh’s feet.
FIRE FACT: Going back even further in time, scientists re-calculated, they say cavemen were using fire earlier than previously thought. The same experts also announced they are unable to say for sure when the Flintstone family started their successful vitamin business.
BIG BANG BYE BYE: In TV news, it was announced “Big Bang Theory” will end after 12 years. Throughout the entire 12 years, the characters in the show have been waiting for the elevator in their apartment building to be fixed. That’s even longer than we wait for the average pothole to be fixed in Dawson Creek.
MOON MEMO: Last week NASA announced they found ice on the surface of the moon. I guess the race is on to develop a lunar Zamboni. The moon tilts slightly, NASA says the lunar ice is in a location where the sun never shines. Gee, and I thought “where the sun don’t shine” was an Earthy expression.
CLOONEY CASH: It was announced George Clooney is now Hollywood’s highest paid actor, he pulled in 239 million dollars. It’s hard to hate George. Although I just thought of 239 million reasons.
BREAKFAST BULLETIN: A study confirms breakfast is a very important meal for your brain. The average person makes poor decisions before eating breakfast. This explains why it’s so hard to get the correct milk-to-cereal ratio.
PUCKS SHUCKS: Hockey Hall of Famer Eric Lindros says the NHL should eliminate body slamming. Hockey without body slamming? That would be like baseball without scratching and spitting. That would be like tennis without balls.
WHY FLY: Meanwhile at the airport in London, a man dressed as Tinkerbell created a nasty disturbance and was escorted off a plane by police. Why was he dressed as Tinkerbell? His Smurfette costume was at the dry cleaners.
KIDNEY, NO KIDDING: Also in the U.K. a woman who donated a kidney to her sick husband wants it back. No kidding. She donated her kidney, he left her, now she wants the kidney back. OK, first question: Did she keep the receipt?
SING SWIM: In the Mediterranean, a woman who fell off a cruise ship was rescued after she treaded water for 10 hours. She says she sang the whole time. Wow, and I’m waterlogged and wiped out after I sing in the shower for 10 minutes.
SHOOZ NOOZ: A new study shows the average woman owns 20 pairs of shoes, but only wears five of them. She keeps the other 15 pairs to throw at her husband when he complains about how many shoes she owns.
CARB CHAOS: Medical experts say a low carb diet may lead to an early death. My Uncle Ralph was killed by carbs. He was crossing the street -- he got hit by a bread truck.
SMELL THIS: A study shows using too much deodorant and cologne can permanently damage your sense of smell. I recently stood in line at the grocery store for three minutes behind a teenage boy who was wearing Axe Body Spray. I won’t be able to smell anything for the rest of my life.
BRAIN GAME: There’s a new TV quiz show: “Mental Samurai”. It’s described as “a thrill ride for your brain”. So now I have to combine watching TV with thinking? WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END?!
BATMAN BULLETIN: In Brampton, Ontario: A man in full Batman costume and driving a replica Batmobile was pulled over by police. The cops wanted to take selfies with the Dark Knight. The Canadian Batman is just like the U.S. Batman, but in winter he uses a heated batpole.
MOVIE MEMO: Peace Country movie theaters showed “Ant-Man and the Wasp”. There’s a scene where Ant-Man meets his arch enemy - Picnic Man. And speaking of ants, this leads me to this week’s interesting fact: The average ant can lift 50 times its own weight. Which is why many ants have hernias.