LEG LAFF: Let’s start this week’s news chewing session in Louisiana. A woman was arrested after she battered her boyfriend with an unusual weapon. His prosthetic leg. The man is OK. His prosthetic leg was damaged, but he doesn’t care. With a knee that bends both ways, he can do some wild and crazy dance moves.
NOTRE FLAME: Experts predict people will want to see the fire damage at Notre Dame Cathedral. It could actually be a boost in tourism for Paris. More tourists in Paris? Folks who’ve visited the French capital are wondering if this will throw the tourists-per-rude-waiter ratio out of whack.
GLACIERS GOING: Meanwhile, tourism is down in Iceland because the glaciers people go there to see are melting. You’ll know global warming is bad when Iceland is forced to change its name.
OUCH! Our next stop is London. A UK man went to hospital for a bladder check up. They circumcised him by mistake. That’s kind of like going to your dentist for a cleaning - and he does a root canal.
CUT THIS: According to an item on CBC, there’s a new thing with men who get a vasectomy. His friends throw a vasectomy party with a cake. To make it an authentic vasectomy party -- be sure to cut the cake with a scalpel.
MUD MEMO: A company in Toronto is making a stack of money selling Lake Ontario mud as a beauty product. They literally scrape up mud, put it in jars and sell it to women to use as a facial. This could be a huge money-making idea for the Peace Country. This time of year the Peace is the mud capital of the world. There are millions of wrinkly women out there who need our mud. And you thought mud was just dirt with a bad attitude!
BENEDICT BULLETIN: Movie star Benedict Cumberbatch was driving his Lamborghini when he bumped a man on a bicycle. The actor got out of his car and the guy slapped him in the face. He was lucky the guy didn’t batch him in his cumberdict. By the way, Benedict Cumberbatch is not his real name. His real name is Snuppledink Popplikdump.
DOGGY DETAIL: Did you see last week’s amazing story about the dog that was rescued in the Gulf of Thailand. It was swimming in the ocean, 135 miles from the nearest land. Everybody is making a big fuss about the dog. But how about a few words of praise for the guy who threw the Frisbee 135 miles?
BEARD BULLETIN: A new hygiene study shows the average man with a beard has millions of germs located near his mouth and nose. Well, yeah. That’s the usual place for a beard. If you can suggest another place for a beard, let’s hear it. Experts say men with a beard should wash it after every meal. That’s ridiculous. My beard is a convenient source of between meal snacks.
FIRE FIEND: Next stop in our news chewing world tour is Edmonton. A 22 year old man was charged with setting fire to more than a dozen cars on a busy street. The man’s name is - are you ready? - Malice Sutton. Yes, his first name is MALICE. Maybe Malice was angry because his mother didn’t name him ARSON.
GATOR GAG: In Hillsboro, Florida: An 8-foot alligator was ejected from a Walmart store. Clerks continued checking out customers’ purchases as the alligator was dragged out the door. Alligator or no alligator - Walmart gives snappy service.
ONLINE ALL THE TIME: A news report said Vancouver now has more than 30 counsellors offering help for Internet addiction. There is one very good thing about the Internet. If you spend much time online, you soon learn the Internet is absolute proof that you are not the stupidest person on Earth.
SHADE STUFF: Celebrity couple Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez launched a new line of expensive sunglasses. Last summer my buddy dropped his expensive sunglasses in Swan Lake. It was annoying, but at least he knows somewhere out there in the lake there’s a really cool-looking fish.