GRAVITY GAG: It’s time once again for our weekly meal of news chews, with a menu that proves news items can be lumps in the gravy of the universe. Scientists announced the strength of the Earth’s gravity is fluctuating. The day may come when the weather forecast on the radio will include the words: “Watch out for afternoon gusts of gravity”.
LIFE STRIFE: The chief of NASA says if life is found out there in space, humans may not be ready for the shock. I believe it. I know I was very shocked when somebody told me there are signs of life in downtown Fairview on a Saturday night.
CHIP CHUCKLE: There was a big announcement in the world of snackfood. The Lay’s company will offer Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup potato chips. By the way: If in the future the world gets so polluted we have to buy bags of air to breathe, the potato chip companies will be way ahead of the game.
BLOOD BULLETIN : A scary story from Iowa, USA: A meat processing plant had a problem with its drainage. The house next door now has a basement flooded with five inches of animal blood and bones. Author Stephen King is on his way to the house. He wants to take notes.
BACON BULLETIN: Experts are warning of a worldwide bacon shortage. China lost millions of hogs in an epidemic, this disrupted the global supply of bacon. North American bacon producers will probably cash in by sending all their bacon to China. Don’t panic, bacon lovers! I realize it’s not real bacon, but we will start immediate negotiations with the turkeys.
ELTON AND MICHAEL: Elton John’s autobiography was released last week.In the book Elton makes the surprising statement that Michael Jackson was, quote, “a disturbing person”. Oh really? Elton also says Bob Dylan occasionally mumbles, Kim Kardashian may possibly be a publicity hog, and Stevie Wonder doesn’t see so good.
SWALLOW THIS: A medical expert says giving kids vitamins can do more harm than good. Come on, how can kiddie vitamins be bad? So now we’re supposed to trust a so-called “medical expert” more than we trust the Flintstone family? Ridiculous!
NOBEL NEWS: As an afterthought to the Nobel Prizes, I happened to notice the name of one of the scientists who won the prize for chemistry. His name is John B. Goodenough. The runner up was a guy named Ralph Q. Notasgoodastheotherguy.
TOURIST TALE: According to an item on CBC, tourists can now visit the control room at the abandoned Chernobyl nuclear power plant. The giftshop sells T-shirts. But you may find a lead T-shirt feels kind of heavy.
HOCKEY HECK: The Philadelphia Flyers started something new at their arena. It’s a “Rage Room” where hockey fans can take out their aggression. For $35 you get 5 minutes to smash stuff with a hockey stick. It’s very popular and a big moneymaker. I can suggest other money making ideas for a hockey team: For only $50: You get 5 minutes driving the Zamboni. For $100: You get to pick up the players’ teeth after an on-ice brawl.
WORK WEAR: What do you wear to work? A new study shows only 1 in 5 Canadian offices now has a dress code. In descending order, here are the levels of dress code for the office:
1: Formal business attire.
2: Semi-formal business attire.
3: Business casual.
5: Sloppy casual.
6: Ultra sloppy.
7: Dress like a newspaper columnist who works at home.