MONEY MEMO: We start this news chewing session with a public service announcement. It was revealed the Canada Revenue Agency is sitting on billions of unclaimed dollars. Do they have a cheque for you? Find out by going on the Internet and clicking on www dot “For A Few Brief Happy Moments You Thought The Government Was Going To Give You Money” dot com.
CLOCK CHAOS: Some regions of Canada, including parts of the Peace, never change their clocks. For others, Daylight Saving Time began at 2AM Sunday. That’s in the USA and Canada. In the UK they change their clocks on March 29th. Australia changes clocks on April 5th. Other places change on different dates. Geez, what hope do humans have of beating a deadly virus or a big nasty asteroid when we can’t even agree what time it is?
DISASTEROID: NASA says a mile-wide asteroid will fly past the Earth next month. An expert was on TV saying if an asteroid passes very close you may be able to hear it. Although the main sound you’ll hear will be the sound of people kissing their butts goodbye.
DAREDEVIL SCAREDEVIL: Daredevil Nik Wallenda says walking a highwire across an active volcano last week was the scariest thing he’s done. Wallenda is a gutsy guy, but the greatest daredevil of all time was Evel Knievel. He did stunts that broke every bone in his body. He had extra bones installed so he could break them too. If Nik Wallenda wants to do a scary follow up to his walking across a volcano stunt he should walk a highwire across the Peace River when the Peace Country wind is blowing. Now THAT would be scary!
TOY TALE: Etch-A-Sketch announced it will introduce a new model that can draw perfect circles. What’s next for Etch-A-Sketch? How about a model with Self-Shaking technology?
PUTTY PARTICULARS: Also in toy news: This month marks the 70th anniversary of Silly Putty. In today’s world, I’m kind of surprised the politically-correct squad has not demanded all putty that is not Silly Putty should be labeled: “Serious Putty”.
LEGO LAFF: More toy news: The Lego Company will stop making its little bricks from plastic and switch to a non-plastic material. But don’t worry Lego fans, the new bricks will still hurt like heck when you step barefoot on them.
GOSSIP GAG: On CBC a commentator said most news out of Ottawa is not news, it’s just gossip. Gee, Ottawa without gossip wouldn’t be the same. It would be like Calgary without cowboys. It would be like Vancouver without yoga pants. It would be like the Peace Country without those drivers who have no idea how to use something called a turn signal.
BEE BULLETIN: A study shows bumblebees are becoming endangered. But don’t worry, scientists are working to find other bugs that bumble.
BOND BULLETIN: It was announced the new James Bond film will be almost three hours long. Maybe the movie theater concession stand should sell Depends. Three hours??? If this trend continues, I predict theaters will install phone charging stations for those morons who text all the way through the movie.
DOG DETAIL: Peace Country movie fans enjoyed “The Call of the Wild”, with Harrison Ford, the story of a sled dog struggling to survive in the Yukon. This movie proves cats are more intelligent than dogs. A cat would not pull a sled across miles of frozen tundra just because some guy yells “Mush!” “The Call of the Wild” was not made on location in the Yukon. It was filmed in Hollywood using computer generated snow. You can tell it’s not real snow because some of the flakes are alike. The dogs in the movie are computer-generated cartoons. Fake creatures are the trend now in Hollywood. Next they’ll be telling us the Smurfs are not real.
MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER: For our final news chew we visit Perth,Australia. A Guinness World Record was set when 3,722 people simultaneously played air guitar. In Australia they do things differently. They hold their air guitars upside down.