CHOOSE CHEWS: Welcome to another round of news chewing. Your weekly proof that the war on weirdness has not yet been won. Last week scientists announced they found a way to make an antibiotic from fish mucus. They say the hard part is grabbing the Kleenex after the fish sneezes. Other disgusting marine gunk they’re working with: Octopus toe jam.
KARAOKE KERFUFFLE: In Florida, a man refused to stop singing karaoke when he was being arrested. Police officers eventually grabbed the microphone away from him and locked him up. They should have tazed the guy. In fact, everybody who sings karaoke should be tazed and locked up. Everywhere. Every time.
ROYAL REPORT: Last week’s biggest news was the birth of the new royal baby. According to media reports, Duchess Meghan gave birth in a private hospital where the fee is $20,000 US per day. It’s a very high-class hospital. They even have gowns that close all the way at the back. The baby is named Archie. It’s not true they picked that name to please Queen Elizabeth, whose all-time favorite TV character is Archie Bunker. CBC News reported in Duncan, BC, there’s a senior citizen whose name is Archie Windsor. He told reporters he’s honored to have the same name as the royal baby and he will try to live up to it. Although 71 year old Archie Windsor does not intend to start wearing a diaper.
SCOOBY SCOOP: In the works, a TV special to mark the 50th anniversary of Scooby-Doo. TV can teach kids useful stuff. “Scooby-Doo” taught millions of kids to stay away from spooky, abandoned amusement parks.
PAIN PROBLEM: In Scotland, a woman with a rare medical condition can feel no pain. Scottish doctors know for sure she feels no pain because she enjoys listening to bagpipes.
GREEN SCENE: The Green Party won last week’s federal by-election in Nanaimo-Ladysmith. Coincidentally, the win came the same day a survey showed the number of people who believe in climate change is growing rapidly. Although some people say they will believe in global warming when hell freezes over.
MONEY MATTERS: Conservative leader Andrew Scheer said if he wins the federal election he will immediately order a review of all government spending. You can see money being wasted in many different ways. For example: Why are we spending tax dollars on signs that tell deer where they should walk across the Alaska Highway?
PAINT THIS: Sad news for amateur artists. Daniel Robbins died recently at age 93. He was the inventor of “Paint By Numbers”. He was a quiet guy. His biggest thrill in life was occasionally painting over the lines.
GOSSIP GAG: In a new study by the University of California: Men engage in gossip just as much as women. I didn’t read the study, a buddy told me about it. His buddy told him. I can’t wait to call my other buddy and tell him.
NOSE NEWS: A new medical study shows the average human nose contains more germs than it contained 30 years ago. If this trend continues -- you are going to need an extra nostril.
PET PARTICULARS: Walmart announced it will soon open in-store veterinarian clinics. There’s only one thing sadder than being dragged into Walmart by my wife to do shopping. That’s seeing a dog being dragged into Walmart to get neutered.
STING STUFF: A Toronto professor says wasps are much smarter than we thought. They stalk their enemies and they can fly defense maneuvers. And you thought wasps were just suicidal bees.
DUCK DETAIL: There was a celebration in Hollywood to mark the 82nd birthday of my favorite duck. No, not Donald Duck. Daffy Duck. Some people say Daffy Duck is a smarty pants. But he doesn’t wear pants, so that can’t be true. I like Daffy much more than I like Donald. Let’s do a vote: Raise your hand if you like Daffy Duck more than you like Donald Duck. OK, now raise your hand if you prefer Donald Duck. OK, now raise both hands if you think a newspaper columnist should not waste valuable space asking readers to make dumb duck decisions.