LEGISLATURE EXPENDITURE: The big story out of Victoria is about financial irregularities at the BC Legislature. Two top officers are accused of overspending, misuse of public funds, lying and cheating. They could be convicted of impersonating a politician.
MEANWHILE IN CALIFORNIA: CBC had a story about how California may raise funds by charging drivers by the mile. Maybe we could try that here in Dawson Creek. How about five cents per mile -- with a one cent per pothole discount?
DOGGY DETAIL: In England, 1,029 beagles gathered with their owners to set a Guinness world record for most dogs of a single breed in one place at the same time. Afterwards another record was set: Most doggy poop scooped.
HOCKEY HECK: The Edmonton Oilers made headlines with an unusual and dramatic move. They fired their General Manager in the middle of a game. They took away his office, his expense account, his company car. The Zamboni driver gave him a ride home.
WINTER WOES: Montreal’s winter festival was canceled for a funny reason: Too much snow. That’s like Hawaii canceling a beach festival because of too much sunshine. That’s like Australia canceling a boomerang festival because the boomerangs are bent.
FALLS FACT: As extremely cold weather attacked Eastern Canada, there were news reports that Niagara Falls are frozen. That’s not accurate. There’s still some water moving, although parts of the falls are frozen. I guess business is very slow for the guy who rents out barrels
POLE PARTICULARS: A scientists was on TV saying for the past few years the North Pole has been moving south at the rate of 30 miles a year. Santa’s very annoyed. Every year he has to relocate the reindeer games. I predict, millions of years from now, as the North Pole crosses the Equator on its way to meet up with the South Pole - the Equator will snap and fly off into space.
FACTORY FUTURE: A new company announced it may start a factory in Ontario making hundreds of self-driving vehicles per month. When self-driving vehicles are everywhere, it’s only a matter of time before a country singer writes a song about his truck leaving him.
ROYAL REPORT: London newspapers reported Meghan Markle’s bodyguard has quit. The royals have lots of bodyguards. Prince Charles has five. One for his body - two for each ear.
TENNIS, TSK TSK: An investigation revealed bribery and corruption in professional tennis. Well hey, tennis is a sport famous for its BACKHANDERS.
HARLEY HA HA: A study shows motorcycles reduce stress. Sure they do. Like when you’re driving on a lonely remote road - you look in your rearview mirror - you see a gang of 30 Hell’s Angels on Harleys closing in on you.
SCAM STORY: A report says an increasing number of Canadians are falling victim to scams. The amount of money lost to con men every year totals hundreds of millions of dollars. By the way: In next week’s column I will explain how you can mail 50 dollars to me and receive a beautifully handwritten “Thank You” note.
OSCARS: Last week the Oscar nominees were announced. I was recently in a movie theater. I looked around at the audience and I came to the conclusion we need a new Oscar category: Best Movie With Nothing Important Happening On The Screen So The Audience Can Stare At Their Phones.
MARY MOVIE: Peace Country movie fans saw “Mary Poppins Returns”. It’s an updated version of the story: *** Instead of flying with an umbrella, Mary dangles under a drone. *** No more “Spoonful of Sugar”. It’s now a “Spoonful of Nutrasweet”. *** Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious has been upgraded to -- Super-DUPER-califragilisticexpialidocious
MOVIE MEMO: Also in movie theaters: “A Dog’s Way Home”. Have you seen the dog in this movie? The word “cute” doesn’t even begin to cover it. But it’s important to remember most Hollywood dogs have a professional cute consultant.
BOBBITT BULLETIN: Do you remember John and Lorena Bobbitt? It was announced their story will be told in a TV documentary. It will be a four-part documentary, but the story focuses on one of John’s parts.