SNYDER: LOL, DNA, dinosaurs, Batman and Kite month

DINO DETAILS: We start this week’s news chewing near the tiny town of Eastend, Saskatchewan. A T-Rex dinosaur skeleton found there in 1994 finally received the award it deserves. Last week it was named the biggest T-Rex dinosaur ever discovered. When this dinosaur roamed the Earth, 68 million years ago, Canada was a tropical jungle. Which made it very hard for early Canadians to play hockey.

BATMAN BIRTHDAY: Next let’s visit Gotham City, home of Batman. Last week the Caped Crusader celebrated his 80th birthday. The average 80 year old walks into a room and forgets why he went in there. 80 year old Batman slides down the Batpole - when he gets to the bottom he thinks - “Why did I slide down the pole?” And because Batman is old, some changes have been made. When the Gotham City Police Department summons the Caped Crusader -- they use a bifocal Bat Signal.

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ROYAL REPORT: Our next stop is London. It was announced Queen Elizabeth has given up driving on public roads, but she will continue to drive on her private estate. Her Majesty enjoys driving. She loves to roll down the window and feel the wind blowing through her crown.  

DNA LOL: Also in London, a British scientist says he’s working on a smartwatch that will analyze DNA to detect disease.  DNA tests are already big business. I paid for a DNA test on my dog. It turns out he’s adopted.

MOVIE MARATHON: It was announced select movie theaters across North America will screen a special Marvel movie marathon. That’s all 22 movies in the Marvel Universe back to back, The Marvel Movie Marathon will run 59 hours. That’s a long time to be in a theater. When you’re at the concession stand buying your extra-large pop, be sure to ask for the Porta-Potty attachment. The longest I was ever in a movie theater was when it took me three hours to get my shoes unstuck from the sticky theater floor. I couldn’t leave without them - they were my favorite sneakers.

NETFLIX NEWS: Meanwhile, some people prefer to stay home and watch movies. For those people, Netflix announced yet another subscription rate increase. The only reason we keep Netflix is because it gives my wife and me something different to argue about instead of arguing about how I load the dishwasher

DENIM DETAIL: A Vancouver high fashion company is now selling denim underwear for $300. Yes, denim undies. In the short time between paying $300 for denim underwear and the time you throw it out, it works out at 30 dollars per wedgie. 

FOOL FACT: Monday of last week was April Fools Day. On Tuesday my lawyer informed me yelling “April Fool” is not a valid legal defense.

WAKE UP: In a new study by the University of Toronto: Just looking at a cup of coffee makes you feel awake and alert. Looking at coffee activates the part of your brain that is stimulated by caffeine. You can save a lot of money by hanging out at Starbucks -- when they ask for your order -- you say “I’m just looking”.

APRIL: April is Kite Month. I’m surprised we don’t see more kites in the sky here in the windy Peace Country. Although my readers do sometimes email me and tell me to go fly a kite. By the way: The guy who invented the kite sat around for years, waiting for someone to invent string.

TOILET TIME: Our next stop is China, where they have a problem with hi-tech toilets. So-called “smart” toilets are popular in China. They feature heated seats, water rinsing and warm air drying. Last week the Chinese government issued a consumer warning after people reported getting electric shocks from the hi-tech toilets.  Well hey, I guess that’s one way to cure constipation.

CLIMATE CHAOS: A new climate study shows Canada is warming faster than the rest of the Earth. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said increasing temperatures are cause for concern. With the scandal he’s dealing with, Trudeau doesn’t need another reason to sweat.

REMINDER: And before I go, here’s an important reminder: March 3rd to March 9th was National Procrastination Week.

chewsthenews@fastmail.com

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