RECORD BREAKER: We start this week’s news chewing session in Kitchener, Ontario, where a man set a Guinness Record by wearing 260 T-shirts at the same time. Is this really a big deal? Last month I saw several residents of Dawson Creek outside wearing nine shirts, six sweaters, three coats, two woolly hats, four pairs of pants, three pairs of gloves, two earmuffs, and a nose muff.
TRUST TRUDEAU: Our next stop is Ottawa, where Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said the SNC-Lavalin scandal was sparked by, quote, “an erosion of trust”. Oh really? Politicians have done for trust what Wile E. Coyote has done for Acme Products.
DIET DETAILS: A new study shows the aromas of some foods can help you lose weight. For example: Next time you have food cravings, try sniffing a green apple. Gee, that’s where I went wrong. I’ve been sniffing pizza.
DAYLIGHT DISS: On Sunday most of Canada changed its clocks for Daylight Saving Time. But not here. In Dawson Creek we do not fool around with our clocks every six months. I’m glad. It would take me six months to figure out how to change the dashboard clock in my car.
CALCULATOR CRUNCH: Last week Gerald Merriman died at age 86. He was the American scientist who invented the hand-held calculator. Several years later, the inventor of the first smartphone decided to include a calculator in the phone because he wanted to thumb his nose at the math teacher who said “You won’t always have a calculator in your pocket”.
ROYAL REPORT: Meanwhile in London, Queen Elizabeth has asked British social media users to show courtesy and respect. What’s next -- Her Majesty asking British soccer fans to try kinder, gentler rioting?
URINE TROUBLE NOW: Also in London, a British man says he stays healthy by drinking a pint of his own urine every day. I’ve heard of going organic - but that’s just a little too organic for me.
KYLIE KASH: Reality TV star and cosmetics tycoon Kylie Jenner is now the world’s youngest billionaire at age 22. Being a billionaire is not always easy. When somebody tells Kylie she looks like a million dollars - imagine how insulted she feels. Kylie Jenner says she’s not only a billionaire, she’s proud to be a SELF-MADE billionaire. Coincidentally, I am not only broke -- I am proudly SELF-MADE broke.
GRAVY GAG: KFC announced they will sell candles that smell like their gravy. I predict Dairy Queen will sell Dilly Bar Cologne. Just as soon as they figure out what a dilly smells like.
BUGATTI BULLETIN: Last week in Italy, a Bugatti car sold for $19 million, making it the most expensive new car ever sold. I do not want to own a car that cost $19 million. Imagine the stress of maneuvering it safely through the McDonald’s drive-thru lane.
SAUCE STRANDED: An Oregon man and his dog were stranded in his car in deep snow for five days. They survived by eating taco sauce packets. The man and his dog were lucky there wasn’t a cat in the car. A cat would have waited patiently, and then used the taco sauce as “meat seasoning”.
SPIELBERG STUFF: Movie director Steven Spielberg is trying to block Netflix films from the Oscars because they are not shown in theaters. Spielberg doesn’t believe you are watching a real movie unless there’s a guy sitting next to you texting on his phone, your feet are stuck to the floor, and there’s a lineup of five people outside the bathroom. (Actually that sounds like watching a movie at my buddy’s house)
CAFFEINE CHAOS: A reminder March is Caffeine Awareness Month. A time to be more aware of how much coffee we consume. Coffee makes the world go round. Coffee also makes the world vibrate on its axis. Please note there is no Decaf Month. Or Decaf Week. Or Decaf Day. There is not even a Decaf Hour. I rest my case.
MARS MEMO: Last week a leading scientist was on CBC saying he believes we will put a city on Mars within 50 years. Can we please make it Ottawa?