SNYDER: it is wrong to steal

JOKE JEST: This week we start news chewing in London, England. Archaeologists excavating a Roman site found a 2,000 year old carving with an ancient joke inscribed on it. Wow, a 2,000 year old joke! That’s older than some of the jokes I tell in this column!

CASINO CASH: Meanwhile back home, a news report stated Peace Country casinos generated $28.9 million in revenue last year. If I was running a casino I know how I would attract customers. I would make the place as scuzzy and grungy as possible. Faded decor, dirty floor, the staff wearing worn-out shabby uniforms. People would flock to my casino thinking it was going broke -- because of all the big payouts it was making to gamblers.

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ROCKET REPORT: Big news for space fans. NASA is offering to give away a surplus Saturn rocket. It would be great for a museum -- or a university -- or a family who would like to enjoy an occasional weekend in orbit.

METALLICA MEMO: The rock band Metallica announced they will perform a concert with the San Francisco Symphony Orchestra. Classical music fans say the event is fake. Maybe it is. The second part “symphony” is “phony”.

BEATLE BULLETIN: In an interview last week, former Beatle Paul McCartney said he can’t remember the words to many of his hit songs. That’s kind of sad. Also sad: Ringo can’t remember where he put his drumsticks.

DRUG DETAIL: The U.S. has a plan to import cheap prescription drugs from Canada. Many Canadians don’t like the plan, they say it will cause drug prices here in Canada to increase. In the teeter-totter of international economics, it is better to be the teeter, not the totter.

COFFEE CHAOS: According to a new study by the University of Toronto: Just hearing the word “coffee” increases alertness and makes you feel  wide awake. (I wonder if hearing the word “decaf” makes a person feel sluggish) The study showed just hearing somebody say the word “coffee” is almost as good as actually drinking coffee. Try this experiment. Stand outside Starbucks here in Dawson Creek and yell “Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!” at people as they walk in. How many people do you think will decide they don’t need a caffeine fix and walk away? I’m guessing not many.

CRIME TIME: An unusual crime in the USA: A woman was charged with stealing another woman’s dentures. Hey, if you can’t afford to buy dentures, don’t steal them. Do what my Grandpa does. For a low hourly fee he rents his buddy’s dentures when his buddy is not using them.

ROBOT REPORT: A top Canadian scientist says intelligent robots will turn humans into slaves. “That will never happen to me” said millions of humans. As they took a brief break from 12 continuous hours of staring at their phones.

ROTATION REPORT: Last week scientists announced the Earth’s rotation is slowing down. Five million years from now, days will be ten seconds longer. I’m hoping we can add those ten seconds during the night, I could use some extra sleep.

COOKIE CHAOS: The makers of Oreo cookies announced exciting new flavors of Double-Stuff Oreo Cookies. Gee, can they PLEASE stop messing around with regular Oreos and Double Stuff Oreos and get to QUADRUPLE stuff Oreos? WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY!

 

BUG BULLETIN: Other stories in the news last week: 1. Las Vegas has been invaded by millions of grasshoppers.

2. Southern England has been invaded by millions of flying ants.

3. Africa has been invaded by millions of locusts.

4. Huge swarms of locusts are now moving into Italy.

4. The Gulf Coast of Florida has been invaded by millions of flies.

5. Scientists say Australian ants are ready for “Insect Armageddon”.

6. Australian flies have been found in central France.

7. Parts of Canada are having the worst summer ever for mosquitos.

OK, let me just say: I for one welcome our new insect overlords.

 

chewsthenews@fastmail.com

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