NOTRE FLAME: In Paris, witnesses say work crews were seen smoking inside Notre Dame Cathedral before the fire broke out. Why am I not surprised? A friend who lived in Paris told me the French are born smoking. He said in France, baby cribs have built-in ashtrays. Gee, I suspect that’s probably not true. But please try to remember this is a reality-challenged column.
JUSTIN JEST: We continue news chewing in the town of Springfield, USA. That’s the cartoon Springfield, where the Simpsons live. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was featured in an episode of the TV show. Another guy, not Trudeau himself, did an authentic portrayal of Trudeau’s voice. He was speaking out of both sides of his mouth.
IDOL IDLE: There’s a report the TV singing show American Idol may be canceled because of low ratings. I do not condone violence, but I believe ratings for American Idol would improve if eliminated contestants were allowed to punch a judge in the mouth. (Admit it, you’d watch)
QUAKE SHAKE: NASA scientists say they measured an earthquake on Mars. There is only one thing more incredible than a earthquake on Mars: That’s a marsquake on Earth.
EARTH MIRTH: Monday of last week was Earth Day, a day to respect the planet we live on. Although it’s hard to respect a planet that accepts Donald Trump as an inhabitant. There were many Earth Day events to draw attention to the need to clean up our planet. It was easy for people who believe the Earth is flat. They throw all their trash over the edge.
JEOPARDY JEST: How about the guy with huge cash winnings on the TV quiz show Jeopardy? More than one million dollars! I auditioned for Jeopardy. How did I do? I prefer not to answer that question. And because it was Jeopardy, I also prefer not to question that answer. Jeopardy host Alex Trebek is Canadian. He kind of gives the impression most Canadians are smart. That’s true -- although the average IQ of all Canadians drops 50 points every time Justin Bieber visits home.
DUMBO DETAILS: Peace Country movie fans enjoyed the new Dumbo movie. Although little kids who see a film with a flying elephant are going to be disappointed when they go to a zoo and see a real elephant. The Dumbo story teaches us it’s wrong to exploit animals for money. Hey, I love dogs. But if I owned a dog who could fly -- make no mistake -- I would exploit him for money.
HIGH FIVE: Last week a group of people in Winnipeg won a place in the Guinness Book of Records for most high-fives. 509 high fives in three minutes. It can be very cold in Winnipeg. People get frostbite and lose fingers. Those people don’t do high-fives. They do high-fours. And high-threes.
INFLUENTIAL DIFFERENTIAL: Time Magazine released its annual “100 Most Influential People” list. If you think about it, the people who select the most influential people are actually the most influential people.
LIFT THIS: In the States, an elderly woman broke a weightlifting record. She weighs 123 pounds, she’s a 70 year old grandmother, she hoisted 305 pounds. That’s nothing. My Grandma carried a purse every day filled with 500 pounds of Granny stuff.
PIG PARTICULARS: Scientists at Yale University say they revived pigs’ brains after death. Terrific. Now we face a zombie pig apocalypse. (Aporkalypse --?)
THROW THIS: According to an item on CBC, Ax-throwing is becoming popular in bars in Ontario. That’s where people go to a bar, they drink alcohol, they throw an ax at the wall. Yes, a real metal ax. They tried it with a rubber ax, but it was too dangerous. The rubber ax bounced off the wall and hit people. A real ax is much safer.
AIN’T SCIENCE WONDERFUL? A news report stated engineers have invented a device that creates electricity from -- are you ready? -- snow. When falling snow touches the device it creates an electrical charge. Here’s my plan for next winter: I will attach one of these devices to my snow shovel -- I will run a wire up my pants leg -- to my electrically-heated undershorts