SPACE SMELL: We start this week’s news chewing in space. NASA says a nasty, funky smell on the International Space Station is disturbing the astronauts. Maybe they should open the windows occasionally. (Hey, it’s just a suggestion)
WHOLE HOLE: While we’re on the topic of space, last week scientists revealed the first ever picture of a black hole. They are mysterious areas of space that collapse after swallowing everything. Planets, galaxies, stars, even light. Let me put it in terms we can all understand: Imagine if you ate way too much food -- then you suck in your full stomach - you continue to suck in your belly - the pressure builds -- your belly button collapses -- swallowing your entire body. Scary.
POTHOLE PARTICULARS: Let’s talk about another type of scary hole. Potholes. Last week on CBC an expert said Canada probably has as many as 100 million potholes. This past winter, approximately 50 million of them were in Grande Prairie. In January, during a visit to Grande Prairie, I saw a man submerged up to his neck in a deep and wide snow-filled pothole. Only his head was showing. I said to the guy: “Do you want me to grab a shovel and dig you out?” He said:”You better make it a big shovel - I’m sitting on a horse”.
MICK MEMO: Rolling Stone Mick Jagger had successful heart valve replacement surgery. He released a statement saying he feels better. Don’t get excited. Mick FEELS better -- nobody said he LOOKS better.
BEATLE BULLETIN: More news for middle-aged music fans: Up for auction later this month, the piano John Lennon used to write Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds. It’s expected to fetch $200,000. Also for sale: The drumsticks Ringo Starr used on We All Live In a Yellow Submarine. Ten dollars for one, or fifteen bucks for both.
STAR BORES: “Star Wars” actor Mark Hamill says he believes movie fans have “Star Wars” fatigue. Do fans get bored with a long-running movie series? I think they do. I remember feeling bored sometime around “Police Academy 47”.
DOG vs CATS: According to a new study: Dog owners are much happier than cat owners. The survey is kind of stupid. You do not OWN your cat. You are your cat’s EMPLOYEE. Some people own a dog and a cat and say they are friends. They are kidding themselves. They are the same people who believe Quebec and the rest of Canada are friends.
GOOGLE GAG: A man convinced Google to pay fake invoices to fake companies. He scammed Google out of millions of dollars. I’m guessing he figured out how to do it after Googling “How to scam Google out of millions of dollars”.
FLY FAST: A European company is building a passenger plane that will fly 25 times faster than the speed of sound. This plane will be so fast, it could fly from London to Toronto in 60 minutes. Just one problem: When it lands in Toronto - to stop the plane - it will need a runway that stretches to Winnipeg.
CONDIMENT COMMENT: Kraft launched a new condiment that combines ketchup and Ranch dressing. My mom was a lousy cook. Dad’s favorite condiment was a mix of ketchup and Pepto-Bismol.
SLEEP STUFF: A study reveals Canada is one of the most sleep deprived nations on Earth. In fact, insomnia is a worldwide problem, humans have a global sleep crisis. The problem is so bad -- we’re keeping aliens on nearby planets awake with all the noise we make at night.
FORE! Last week was a big week for golf fans, the legendary Masters Golf Tournament. Each year the winner receives the famous green jacket, a big pile of cash, and a “I Won The Masters” bumper sticker for his golf cart. Gee, I wonder if there will ever be a Masters Tournament of Disc Golf, a sport that’s growing in popularity in the Peace Country. Disc golf is like playing fetch -- without a dog.
TOILET TIME: In the Netherlands they are trying to cut methane emissions with a new invention: “Cow toilets”. Yes, they are training cattle to use special toilets. The heifers are complaining the bulls don’t leave the seat down.