WEATHER WOES: Last week the weather was the big story across North America. A late week blizzard attacked North America, from the Canadian Maritimes all the way down to Florida. For the first time in 30 years, they had snow and ice in Tallahassee. It was cold enough to freeze your Hassee off your Talla.
PENGUIN PARTICULARS: Here in the West, we suffered through extremely cold weather earlier in the week. It was so cold, the Calgary Zoo moved the penguins indoors. Hey excuse me, but aren’t penguins supposed to live in cold temperatures? A penguin who doesn’t like the cold? That’s like an eagle who’s scared of heights.
BLIZZARD BLAME: Experts said the cold snap was caused by something they call a “Polar Vortex”. I wonder if that could be canceled out by an “Equator Swirly”. Have you noticed how TV weather forecasters blame other areas for blizzards? They always say cold weather comes from someplace else. It comes from the Arctic. Or it comes from Russia. Just once I’d like to hear the weather guy tell the truth. Like, the Peace Country cold snap was caused by a teenager in Dawson Creek who disobeyed his mom and left the refrigerator door open.
RINGO REPORT: Former Beatle Ringo Starr is now SIR Ringo. He was awarded a British knighthood for his services to music. Also for being an inspiration to ugly, wrinkly old guys.
LIZ LAFF: According to a report in a London newspaper, Queen Elizabeth spies on the janitors at Buckingham Palace to make sure they do a good job. And who can blame her? Nobody wants to sit on a dirty throne.
MEANWHILE IN HOLLYWOOD: Actor George Clooney says he gets lots of offers, but he’s too rich to act in movies anymore. But if George is such a great actor, surely he could get work by ACTING being poor. But then I guess the studio would pay him millions for doing that. Which would make George’s money problem worse. That’s tough. Gee whiz, George is in a bad situation!
GOOGLE GROCERIES: Google announced it will offer real time information on grocery store lineups. You can check online to see where the long lineups are. When I go to the grocery store I always take a different store’s bags with me, so they don’t take me for granted.
TOMATO TROUBLE: The CBC reported there could soon be a shortage of tomatoes. A “BLT” will be “Bacon, Lettuce and Turnip”.
SAFE STUDY: An accident study shows 2017 was the safest year in a long time for air travel. Although there were some injuries at the airport. Several security agents suffered sprained fingers from over enthusiastic frisking.
WAITING WOES: A new study shows waiting tables is one of the most stressful jobs. When I was young I worked as a waiter. My best day ever was when a customer choked on food. I performed the Heimlich Maneuver on him - after aiming him at a lady who undertipped.
MOVIE MEMO: The numbers show 2017 movie attendance was down across Canada. A lot of people didn’t visit a movie theater all year. I guess they realized there are other places they can do their texting.
MOON MEMO: There’s a report the Russians will build a hotel on the moon. I predict the Moon Hotel rooms will be nice, but the restaurant will have no atmosphere.
BIKE BULLETIN: And speaking of the moon, here’s something strange: A study shows there are more motorcycle accidents when there’s a full moon. So - never try to moon someone while riding a motorcycle.
MEANWHILE IN CHINA: Starbucks announced during 2018 it plans to open five new stores per week in China. The Chinese spend billions at Starbucks. I wouldn’t want to compete with Starbucks for all the tea in China.
ASTEROID DISASTEROID: Scientists say a huge asteroid will pass within six million miles of Earth next month. That’s too close for comfort, but not close enough for panic. I prefer to be comfortable when I panic.