KUCHARUK: am I paranoid? Who said that?

File this column under, “Things I think about as I try to fall asleep but it is too light out and the birds are loud and I think I have a hornets nest right outside my window”.

Ding! “You have recorded zero steps today”.

This is the message on my phone when I get up in the morning. I find myself responding verbally with an expletive and a rolling of the eyes.

I feel judged by my smart phone.

“Are you still watching?”

Yes! Netflix, I am STILL watching!!!! It is my day off and I can watch as much television as I want. You aren’t my mother!!!! (shakes fist at television and threatens to remove the App).

I feel judged by my television

Is passive aggressive messaging a requirement for a computer coding technician? Is it something that goes on the hiring application as a skill: Must be able to create questions that create guilt.

Am I crazy?

What about those companies that you call where an automated voices asks you to, “clearly state your question” so they know where to send your call. You respond accordingly with, “Speak to a technician” and the automated voice says, “Peak electrician? I am sorry – we do not have electricians, please repeat your request”. So you clear your voice and say (quite loudly, annunciating each word), “SPEAK TO A TECHNICIAN”. There is a pause and the automated voice says, “I am sorry, we do not have a person named Teak Nutrition working here. Please repeat your request or press 1 to speak to a technician”.

Why couldn’t I simply press 1 from the beginning?????

I have decided that they love it. They (App developers, phone support program developers) create these questions and systems specifically to mess with our heads. They get together at conventions and exchange their funniest programming function like it is a game. “Oh yeah? Well I can keep someone on the phone for 5 minutes making them go through the selection of offerings for service before I provide the ability to simply press one button to speak to a human.  My dropped call rate is 75%”

I picture them programming the systems with big smiles on their faces. They look over at the cubicle next to them and gloat, “I have come up with a facial recognition app that sends updates like, Time to make a hair appointment? and ‘Feeling bloated today?”

Am I suffering from COVID-19 paranoia? Is it time for me to create myself a tinfoil hat?

Judy may be suffering from COVID-19 paranoia. It might be time for her to create herself a tinfoil hat.

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