POLLUTION SOLUTION: Welcome to another week of news chewing, here on the outskirts of reality. We start with an interesting item about air pollution. A study shows high school students in cities with poor air quality get lower test scores. That’s easy to explain: Kids get low test scores when visibility is so bad their mom drops them off at the wrong school.
GAMBLING GAGS: Casinos in Dawson Creek and Fort St John pulled in a big increase in gambling revenues. Fiscal year revenues at the two Chances gaming centres totalled $29.67 million, that’s a 17 percent hike, with most of money being spent on slot machines. You know youhave a gambling problem when your doctor diagnoses a pain as “slot machine elbow”. I’ve never been a gambler. Maybe because my Grandma had a painting of dogs playing poker. The dogs did not look like they were having a good time.
GOING UP! Japanese engineers will test a “space elevator” that will rise 2,000 miles above the Earth’s surface. With my luck I would enter the space elevator - the door would close - and the guy who’s already in there is a prankster who just pushed all 2,000 buttons.
SCOTTISH SPACE: Scotland celebrated its first successful rocket launch. Scotland has a new rocket launch pad near Edinburgh. It’s part of a project to develop zero-gravity bagpipes.
DISNEYLAND DRINKS: For the first time in its history, Disneyland now sells alcohol. So if you visit Disneyland, and you meet someone who’s talking funny, someone with no pants, it may not be Donald Duck.
WEATHER WHOA: This comes as no surprise after the weird summer we had in the Peace. Experts predict it will become a lot more difficult to forecast the weather, even with modern technology. Wise weather forecasters use a mix of modern technology and traditional methods. Like placing a computer outside. If the computer gets wet, it’s raining.
CHOLESTEROL CHAOS: Medical researchers announced they have discovered a new type of bad cholesterol. In related news: Scientists say they are confident there’s an unlimited supply of bad stuff.
COLD COMFORT: A leading scientist says we will never find a complete cure for the common cold. I’ll be happy if we find a cure for that thing where people with a cold examine the contents of the Kleenex after they sneeze into it.
MUSIC MEMO: September was proclaimed Classical Music Month. Studies show if a pregnant woman plays classical music for her unborn child, the baby will be more intelligent. Hey, it’s worth trying. Maybe the kid will be smart enough to change its own darn diaper.
WHY FLY: An official report says there were 1,000 rudeness complaints filed last year against border officers at Canadian airports. 1,000 complaints of rudeness? That’s just a typical day at a U.S. airport.
FLY FACT: A study shows the germiest things at the airport are those plastic tubs you put your stuff in at the security checkpoint. I’m guessing the second germiest thing is the security guy’s electronic wand that he uses to prod you in the armpits and crotch.
DINNER DOLLARS: A Vancouver food company is finding success with a new line of gourmet frozen entrees that cost more than $40 each. At that price, do not call them TV dinners. By the way: One sure way to improve your TV dinner is to turn off the TV.
SCALLOP SITUATION: British and French fishermen were involved in a fight over scallops. There’s an easy way to solve this dispute: The French get the scallops that swim on the right side of the ocean - the British get the scallops that swim on the left side of the ocean.
HARVEY HA HA: Remember radio commentator Paul Harvey? There will be a movie about him. This year he would have been 100. He was on the air every day, commenting on the news, always starting with the words “Good Morning Americans!” He died in 2009. It’s for the best that Paul Harvey didn’t live longer. With the stuff that’s now happening in America, his head would explode.