CASINO CHAOS: Gather round news chewers and digest some interesting items. Like this item about a recent survey that shows 36 percent of BC residents have attended a casino in the past year, while 67 percent of British Columbians believe the government should do more to deal with the negative effects of gambling. I admit I don’t like casinos. It goes back to the time I was in Las Vegas. I got into an argument with the guy running a roulette wheel. We disagreed on the precise definition of the words “Odd Number”. Hey, sometimes even numbers seem odd to me. I also have a problem with the Las Vegas slogan: “What Happens Here, Stays Here”. The same slogan would work for North Korea.
BLUE BLOOD: Last week’s strangest story came from Rhode Island, USA. A woman went to a hospital emergency room after she turned blue. Yes, blue. It turned out she had used too much numbing gel on a sore tooth, it caused an imbalance in her blood oxygen level, she turned blue. It’s a medical condition known as Smurf-atosis.
BEAR BULLETIN: In Banff, Alberta a man was found guilty of harassing a grizzly bear in the national park. He got out of his truck and yelled at the young grizzly. When he assumed a boxing stance and charged at the bear, it retreated into nearby woods. The man was fined $4,000. Lucky for him it was only $4,000. The incident could have cost him an arm and a leg. Literally.
POLE PARTICULARS: An adventure travel company is offering a one night stay in an igloo at the North Pole. A buddy of mine went. He didn’t get any sleep. There was noise all night from Santa’s workshop.
SWIM STUFF: Last week a woman swam the English channel between England and France 4 times. She swam non stop for 54 hours. When climate change kicks in bigtime, and the oceans rise, swimming 54 hours nonstop is a skill we’ll all need.
GAS GAG: On CBC an expert said it’s not easy to predict how recent events in the Mid East will affect gas prices. Gee, don’t get me started on gas prices. What makes me suspicious is when I stop at the full service pump -- the guy puts gas in my car -- then he wipes his fingerprints off the nozzle.
ROBOT REPORT: A medical expert predicts robot surgeons will replace human surgeons in Canadian hospitals. Robot surgeons? No thanks! Guys, do you want to be halfway through your vasectomy and the surgeon asks the nurse for a squirt of WD-40?
EMU VIEW: There was a video of this weird event on the Internet. Near Los Angeles, police officers captured a large flightless Emu bird that was running on the highway. A flightless bird? That’s kind of like a hopless kangaroo. That’s like a slitherless snake.
ROYAL REPORT: For fans of the royals, there was TV coverage of cute little Princess Charlotte’s first day at school. By the way: When royal kids misbehave at school, their butler has to go stand outside the principal’s office.
TOILET TAKEN: In England, thieves stole a solid gold toilet worth millions of dollars. It was part of an exhibition at a castle owned by the Queen. Wow, imagine owning a gold toilet! I guess super rich people sit on their gold toilet while texting on their gold iPhone.
DISASTEROID: On TV a scientist said it’s just a matter of time until an asteroid hits the Earth. I’m hoping the Earth is flat. If we can figure out a way to tilt the Earth, kind of like a Ping Pong paddle, we can bounce the asteroid back into space. But we’ll have to calculate the angle very carefully or else the asteroid could hit another planet, starting an intergalactic war. Man, there’s always something to worry about!