Butlers, balls, spiders, donuts, KitKat

MEDICAL MEMO: We start this week’s news chewing session with an item of medical interest. Experts say stethoscopes are on the way out, doctors no longer need them. This is the most amazing medical news since somebody invented a hospital gown that closes all the way at the back

BASEBALL BULLETIN: The baseball World Series started last week. For many fans the World Series is almost a religious experience. They believe the first mention of baseball was in the Bible: “In the Big Inning --”

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BRITISH BASEBALL: For the first time the World Series is on TV in the UK, where cricket is the national sport. Cricket is very sedate and dignified. The idea of the game is to stroll around the field without getting grass stains on your white pants.

KITKAT UK: Speaking of England, British candy lovers can now buy luxury handcrafted KitKat bars. They cost $14 each. There’s a rumor Queen Elizabeth will hand them out to Halloween trick or treaters who ring her doorbell at Buckingham Palace.

DOWNTON DETAILS: And one more item about British nobility: The Downton Abbey movie was shown in Peace Country theaters. There’s an exciting scene where the British Lord gets a stiff lower lip to go with his stiff upper lip. And there’s already a Downton Abbey sequel in the works. That’s good. We need a sequel. At the end of the first Downton Abbey movie, there were a few things the butler left unbuttled.

EARTH MIRTH: A scientist says one billion years from now the Earth will fall into the sun unless we find a way to vibrate our planet and wobble it into a new orbit. So, here’s my plan: Every day we all gather in Kin Park and we jump up and down to make the Earth wobble. Come on, let’s do this to save our planet!

LIVE LONG: According to a new study, optimists live longer. Optimists believe the study is half correct. Pessimists believe the study is half incorrect.

SPIDER STUFF: Here’s a disgusting fact I saw on TV last week: During their lifetime the average person swallows eight spiders. That’s scary! You’re telling me I’m swallowing spiders? I already have enough problems coming to terms with the ants in my pants!

DONUT DETAIL: A Vancouver pastry company announced it has invented a healthy donut, it will be available next year. A healthy donut? I’m guessing it’s mostly hole.

HALLOWEEN HA HA: A CBC report said Halloween costumes are very expensive this year. When I was a kid we made our own Halloween costumes. I was always Superman. I had a big letter “S” spray painted on my T-shirt. My cape was an old shower curtain. My leotards were an old pair of mom’s pantyhose. It’s amazing how much candy people will give you when they’re motivated by pity.

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