PARTICULARLY POLITICAL: We start this week’s news chewing in Brantford, Ontario, where 67 year old John Turmel is running for mayor. Since the 1970s, Mr Turmel has been a political candidate in 96 elections, from city councillor to member of Parliament. He has lost all 96 times. Now he’s running again. I guess he enjoys politics. Apart from that thing where people vote.
BIRD BULLETIN: How many geese have you seen flying south this Fall over the Peace Country? On TV a wildlife expert said global climate change is causing migratory birds to become confused. It’s easy to spot a confused flock of geese. Instead of forming a letter “V” -- they form a question mark.
MULTITASKING MEMO: A study released last week shows women are better than men at multitasking. The only multitasking I can handle is watching TV and eating.
DOGGY DAYS: Last week was Dog Week, a time to honor man’s best friend. Here’s my question: If one dog year equals seven human years - shouldn’t Dog Week be just one day? And here’s an interesting fact about dogs in England: British dogs drink from the LEFT side of the toilet.
VAPING VEXING: Medical experts say they are concerned about the growing number of Canadian teens who are vaping with those stupid E-cigarettes. A recent study showed the average teen vaper will not stop until his breath is so bad it melts his iPhone. Experts say we need a campaign to discourage teens from vaping. Maybe we can replace vaping with something safer that also makes teenagers look like idiots. (For a while there the “eating Tide pods” thing looked promising, but then it kind of faded)
TICKET TSK-TSK: Canada’s Competition Bureau is investigating Ticketmaster for overcharging. They became suspicious when they found out some people paid as much as three bucks to attend a Justin Bieber concert.
LAZY BONES: Scientists at the University of British Columbia say humans are born to be lazy. Their report explains how all humans are “hard-wired” to avoid work. The report is almost half a page.
MEANWHILE IN PARIS: French police seized thousands of counterfeit Eiffel Tower souvenirs. If you visit Paris, be cautious. Those Eiffel Tower souvenirs could be fakes. Also, be cautious if a guy offers to sell you the actual Eiffel Tower.
MEANWHILE IN VENICE: The city of Venice, Italy will soon have a new law. Tired tourists who sit down in the wrong place will be fined $600. There’s a $2,000 fine if you sit down, take off your shoe, and rub your bunion. Venice has too many tourists, about nine million per year. They are actually trying to discourage tourists from visiting. I have the answer: They should start a rumor all the streets are flooded.
TOURISM TALE: And speaking of tourism, there’s a report of a big increase in the number of Canadians visiting Egypt. Egypt’s tourist spots are booming, they may have to build more pyramids.
LOOK UP! Organizers of the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo say flying cars will be used to move spectators between events. Neat! This could be the first Olympics where a high jumper collides with a car!
MICK MEMO: It was announced Rolling Stone Mick Jagger will play the role of a gangster in a crime movie. Gee, I hope it’s not a 3-D movie. Mick Jagger’s lips in 3-D will give people nightmares for the rest of their lives.
COYOTE CHAOS: Warner Brothers will make a full length animated film featuring my favorite movie villain, Wile E Coyote. I believe the FBI should investigate the Acme Company. Think about it. The Acme Company is mailing rockets and bombs and dangerous stuff to a dog.
HOW COW: On CBC last week, a statistical expert said you are more likely to be killed by a cow than a shark. Although, to be safe, never yell “Moo!” at a shark.
PIZZA PARTICULARS: Finally, we visit the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, where scientists announced they have invented a robot that makes perfect pizza every time. By the way: You can easily turn a large pizza into a personal pizza by not sharing.