A conversation with God

Hi, God. It’s me again, coming to pour out my heart, to share my deepest thoughts and my greatest fears, to listen for your voice cutting through the swirling fog of confusion and emotion. 

This has been a rough week. Well, a rough few years, really. My heart has been tossed around like a raft in the ocean, and if I hadn’t been so busy pouring all my energy into just staying afloat, I would have given up many times. But now I’m looking back at how far I’ve come, and I’m realizing that you not only stayed beside me the entire time, even when I screamed at you to go away, you built me from the ground up into a stronger and more resilient version of the former me. I’m a little surprised to realize that I actually like the new me, the stronger me, the more assertive me, the wiser me, the more experienced me. 

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I’ve learned the foolishness of putting my faith in other people, because they are just as flawed and fallible as I am. People have let me down time and time again, and I found myself at a crossroads, having to choose between self-protective withdrawal and pressing closer into you for comfort and healing. 

I’ve also learned that I, too, am appallingly unreliable, and the best thing I can do is to keep my eyes on you, and encourage others to look to you for strength, growth, and renewal.

I’ve been emotionally emptied over and over, and although it has been exhausting, I’ve seen the most amazing thing: you fill me back up to overflowing every time. Just when I think I’ve hit a brick wall and I can’t possibly go on, you refresh me and pour your love and provision into my spirit, and I am overwhelmed with gratefulness and thanksgiving.

I’ve discovered that every hardship, every heartache, and every setback was not a fatal blow, it was an unexpected stepping stone to a deeper understanding of who you are, and who you can make me to be. Going through the darkness is like flying a plane through thick fog. You can’t see that just a little further ahead you’re going to break through into bright sunshine. All you can see is neverending darkness and uncertainty. That’s when you prod me to trust you, to have faith in your pruning and shaping of my life, even though the process can be difficult.

So I thank you for these dark days, and I anticipate brighter ones, and am proud of and grateful for the ways you are changing me. Thank you for never giving up on me, for patiently staying beside me, even when I try to push you away, and for giving me hope and a future.

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