Skip to content

Chews the News tracks Trump

A recent survey showed Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have the support of 40 percent of Americans each. The other 20 percent didn’t answer the survey. They were too busy packing for the move to Canada
Chewing the News. Nom nom nom.

OCEAN COMMOTION: Our weekly news chewing tour includes this edgy story from the Pacific Ocean. Last week it was reported rising sea levels have caused three islands to totally disappear. The folks who make Thousand Island Dressing have renamed it: “997 Island Dressing”. 

MOUNTAIN MEMO: The town of Revelstoke has installed a huge rollercoaster on the side of a mountain. Several towns in the Alberta Rockies are looking at similar ways to ttract more visitors in the summer months. Although it’s unlikely you’ll see a giant waterslide dumping people into Lake Louise. Critics say we have to be very careful not to over-commercialize the region’s natural beauty. They say it’s a slippery slope. But hey, places like Jasper and Banff already make a lot of money with their slippery slopes.

GUITAR GIGGLE: A Vancouver fitness studio was featured on TV with their air guitar lessons. The instructor shows you how to exercise while dancing and playing your air guitar. Wait a minute, there’s something wrong here. Shouldn’t air guitar lessons be taught by an IMAGINARY instructor??

TRACKING TRUMP: The U.S. election campaign rolled along for another week. A recent survey showed Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have the support of 40 percent of Americans each. The other 20 percent didn’t answer the survey. They were too busy packing for the move to Canada 

Also on this topic: A new online dating site finds Canadian mates for Americans who want to escape from the U.S. if Donald Trump  becomes president. It’s called Maple Match Dot Com. The site was formerly known as: Love a Lumberjack Dot Com.

BABY BULLETIN: In India last week, a 72 year old woman and her 79 year old husband had a baby boy. There was a cute picture on the Internet.  Smiling -- no teeth -- no hair -- wearing a diaper. And the baby was adorable too. 

LIVE LONG: A British expert on aging made headlines by predicting someone who’s alive today will live to be 1,000. “With my luck, it’ll be my mother”, said Prince Charles.

POLAR POOP: There was an interesting item on TV about polar bears. Scientists at the Winnipeg Zoo are adding sparkly glitter to the polar bears’ food. This helps them keep track of polar bear toilet habits. Wow! Sparkly glitter poop! I thought only unicorns had that!

 DEPP DISS: Johnny Depp is promoting his new movie “Alice Through the Looking Glass”. Johnny’s the Mad Hatter. Johnny Depp is so weird, I wouldn’t be surprised if he plays the Mad Hatter without a hat.

-------At some point in the future a movie studio is going to call

Johnny Depp and say: “We want you to play a regular guy with no weird  makeup and no weird costumes and we’ll pay you 100 million dollars”. And Johnny is going to have a nervous breakdown.

MAYAN MEMO: There was a big fuss about a 15 year old kid from Quebec who located an ancient Mayan city using only the Internet. Although, what an ancient Mayan city was doing in Quebec is anybody’s guess.

AIR SCARE: An expert predicts air pollution in North American big cities  will get much, much worse. How bad will pollution be? Kids will run outside - lay on the ground - and make soot angels.

DONKEY DO: Here’s one for video game players to chew on: A 25 year old man from Massachusetts broke the world record for Donkey Kong. He played a perfect game in three hours. In other news: There are some 25 yr old guys who actually have a life.

PLEASE GIVE: The North and South Peace SPCAs are battling it out this month for the fifth consecutive May Community Challenge to see who can raise the most funds for shelter operations. With the economic downturn, local SPCAs are feeling the pinch. Fewer donations are coming in even though more and more pets are being   abandoned. When I was nine, my mom let me keep a cute puppy that followed me home. But when I was 19, she said the cute 18 year old girl who followed me home would have to be dropped off at a shelter.