BULL BULLETIN: Each week I search the globe for news we can chew on. In Pamplona, Spain, it was the famous Running of the Bulls. This is officially the most fun you can have with a load of bull without getting elected to Ottawa. The Running of the Bulls is kind of like Black Friday at the mall - but with bulls instead of bargain hunters.
DOGGY DOLLARS: I read on the Internet a teenager in West Vancouver makes $200 a day as a dog walker. It’s a ritzy, posh neighborhood with lots of rich pet owners. In West Van - when a dog gets old - they don’t put it to sleep - they pay for it to get a facelift.
SENATE STUFF: Alberta is the only province to elect nominees for appointment to the Senate. Under new changes announced in Ottawa last week, members of the public can now apply directly to fill vacant positions in the Senate. The Senate? Forget it! Where do I apply to be king? (I am 100 percent certain I would do good in the interview)
FINLAND FANTASTIC: In a global survey: Finland was named as the nation with the highest standard of living. Finland will now change the name of its capital city from Helsinki to Heaven-sinki.
READY YET? The mayor of Rio de Janeiro says his city will be totally ready for the Olympics. Yeah, the 2020 Olympics. Last week there were more problems for Olympic organizers. A dismembered foot washed up at the beach volleyball venue. Actually, a foot is good news. Most people expect the Olympics to cost them an arm and a leg. The following day, scientists found raw sewage at a Rio de Janeiro beach. Rio is a place where you might hear someone say: “I spent the day at the beach and boy I am pooped!”
PASTA PROBE: According to a study published last week, pasta does not make you fat. I don’t think of pasta as food. I think of pasta as a cheese delivery system. The study went further. It said eating pasta may actually help you lose weight. In other news: Coffee helps you sleep - garlic makes your breath smell nice - carrots make you blind.
BOOM!: Dozens of injury lawsuits have been filed in connection with exploding electronic cigarettes. Don’t you just hate it when you put an electrical device that’s full of toxic chemicals in your mouth - and it explodes?
BIKE BULLETIN: It’s time again for the famous Tour De France bicycle race. Those seats on the bikes are very small. They look like something a doctor would be holding when he says - “Don’t worry, this won’t hurt”.
PINK PROBLEM: Snow at the North Pole has turned pink. Some scientists believe it’s caused by algae. Other scientists say the pink snow was caused when Rudolf the Reindeer’s nose short-circuited and exploded.
BLUE BULLETIN: Researchers at Oregon State University have created a new shade of blue. It’s bright blue with a very slight hint of green. If you haven’t seen it - try to imagine a queasy Smurf.
TV DOA: A survey shows TV viewership in Canada is way down. I don’t watch a lot of TV. It came as a complete surprise to me when I learned “The Bachelorette” is not a show about a teeny tiny bachelor.
iPHUN: There’s a report the 2017 iPhone will be all glass. To save your valuable time - you can order it “pre-cracked”.
CHARGE CHUCKLE: A man in New York has invented a smartphone charger that fits inside your shoe. It charges your phone as you walk. It works great - apart from that thing where it occasionally sets fire to your socks.
SPRAY STORY: Last week in Salmon Arm, BC, a man accidentally sprayed bear repellent inside a crowded store. There was panic as shoppers ran around, coughing and choking. The man told paramedics he pushed the button on what he thought was spray perfume. This reminds me of something that happened years ago, back when spray deodorant was still available.
A buddy of mine stepped out of the shower - grabbed what he thought was deodorant - sprayed it under both arms - it turned out to be oven cleaner. And that’s how streaking was invented.
Bob Snyder writes the satirical Chews the News column weekly. He can be reached at chewsthenews@fastmail.com
