TARANTULA TIME: Need news chews? You came to the right place. Let’s start with a creepy crawly item from Colorado, where it’s tarantula migration season. Thousands of tarantulas can be seen crawling across highways in search of mates. Mating is a very slow process for tarantulas, because of all the handshaking that happens first.
BIKE BUST: In Kamloops, BC: A man was arrested after he stole a bicycle on his way to his wedding. Gee, give the guy a break. Maybe he already had something old, something new, something blue -- but he still needed something borrowed.
FALL FACT: In a survey, most Canadians said autumn is their favorite season. On TV an expert said the change of seasons is caused by the Earth’s tilt. We are all riding through the universe on a big spinning Tilt-a-Whirl. Although just lately it’s been more like a Roller Coaster. Autumn means falling leaves and lots of raking, unless you have one of those noisy leaf blowers. I was at the home and garden center, checking out the leaf blowers. They have a Turbocharged, Hyper-Velocity, Mega-Thrust, Super-Powered, leaf blower with four power settings.
4. Blow every leaf in your yard all the way to Edmonton.
STRESS STUFF: In a new study: Housecleaning can raise your stress level. This contradicts a previous study that showed housecleaning reduces stress. Over the years there have been many stress studies. I have come to the conclusion that a major cause of stress is studies.
SCOTTISH STORM: Last week there was a very nasty storm in Scotland with heavy snowfall. It’s tough being Scottish during a storm. You’re shovelling snow -- a freezing wind is blowing -- and you’re wearing a kilt.
HOWDY SAUDI: Saudi Arabia made a surprise announcement, it will open up the reclusive kingdom for a few foreign tourists. I’m not sure I like their tourism slogan: “Come For The Floggings, Stay For The Beheading”.
MUMMY MEMO: A study of Egyptian mummies shows cholesterol and heart disease were problems in ancient times. One Egyptian Pharaoh started a healthcare system, but it turned out to be a pyramid scheme.
BEER HERE: In Germany, it’s the Octoberfest Beer Festival. This follows the Septemberfest Beer Festival. Which follows the Augustfest Beer Festival. Which follows the Julyfest Beer Festival. What comes after Octoberfest? You guessed it: The Novemberfest Beer Festival.
MOVIE MEMO: Peace Country moviegoers saw the story of a magical Yeti. The movie’s title is Abonibulu -- Abomabubble -- Anonibabble -- Abobinubel. Geez, I can’t spell the word! For crying out loud, they couldn’t just call it “Yeti”??
HALLOWEEN: The stores are full of Halloween stuff. In today’s politically correct world it’s hard choosing a Halloween costume. If you go out dressed as a zombie, you’ll offend the real zombies. If you go out dressed as a ghost, you’ll get complaints from the ghost liberation movement.
FLU FACT: Medical experts say this year’s flu shot is not as effective as last year’s shot. Have you ever experienced Deja Flu? That’s the vague feeling you’ve had the flu before.
SPAM CAN: The Hormel company introduced a new flavor of Spam. It has Pumpkin Spice flavor. They’re still working to come up with Spam that tastes like meat.
READ THE LABEL: A study shows people eat healthier when they read food labels. When I’m at the supermarket I like to pick up a food item, I pretend I’m reading the label, when someone walks by I say in a loud voice: “It says here this product can cause foaming at the mouth and extreme foot odor”.
GOLDEN GAG: In the works: A reboot of “The Golden Girls”. I remember that TV show. My favorite episode was where the Golden Girls took Spanish dance lessons. They used their dentures as castanets.
GOOGLE GAG: Google turned 21 last week. Well, I think it was last week. When I Googled it I came up with a bunch of contradictory information.
LOOK UP: Lastly, a British inventor says he’s working on a flying car, it’ll be ready in two years. And because it’s a British flying car, you’ll drive it on the left side of the sky.